


a molecular rift you can't fix

by Be-morbidly-chill (RammBook)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Sad Ending, So if you prefer happy endings i can't say you'll find it here sorry, Title from a Country Song, Title from the oh hellos, dw it's still coherent, specifically their song "soap", vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27197167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RammBook/pseuds/Be-morbidly-chill
Summary: Jared has a lot of emotions following the falling out with Evan and it's a mess.Pretty much a vent fic that explores the feelings of losing a friend.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Kudos: 8





	a molecular rift you can't fix

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I am going through a friendship breakup right now and decided to constructively pour a lot of my feelings into this small fic. It is beta read by the lovely [Bean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlegreen_jellybean/profile), thank you so much!  
> Besides smaller things it's mostly unedited, so therefore a bit more raw than I like my fics to be.  
> You can actually imagine every Jared/Evan actor you want, I managed to not put any physical description in here!
> 
> Title and song mentioned at the end is [soap](https://youtu.be/MyRaiKocNnk) by the oh hellos for personal reasons. Hope you enjoy!

Lately, Jared hasn't been doing anything. Not that he usually does a lot. It's just been... challenging.

He only drags himself to school because the circumstances force him to. They can't force him to pay attention, but he kind of wishes they could, because then he would at least be distracted.

Distracted from his thoughts that keep circling around Evan.

Evan who is an asshole, who'd always been just enough of a prick for Jared to like him, Evan, who'd intentionally hurt him, even if Jared in all his assholery never went anywhere close to that far.

Evan, who'd come to Jared when he needed help but brushed him off when he was anything but supportive, who yelled at him for so much as laughing about a situation that's so bizarre it's funny again.

Evan is an asshole and Jared loathes him so much, despises the effect he always had and still has on him.

The stupidest stuff reminds him of Evan. A book with a funny title he's taking a picture of before remembering that he won't send it this time. Evan's contact is still blocked.

Any time he opens his text messages, no matter if on accident or on purpose, he sees it, is tempted to unblock him, text him, tell him some stupid joke, pretend everything is like before.

Nothing will ever be like before again. 

Before is _gone._

He's been aware of that for a long time, in a way. He'd known they weren't close, weren't what they used to be before, back when they were kids and their parents still made them hang out. 

He doesn't really know when it all went to shit, when hanging out stopped being fun and he'd pretended it became a chore. 

He stupidly, like a hopeless idiot, thought they could fix it, could pick up where they left off, could be what he'd always considered them to be. Friends.

Of course they didn't. They couldn't. Why did he ever think they could? They'd grown up, and with that, apart.

It's just life.

Life sucks, he decides right then and there, lying on his bed while the radio plays in the background, sound crisp but quiet.

He doesn't feel like listening to any of his playlists. All of them are wrong. Well, not wrong directly, they're perfectly curated for their purposes, but they're not right, either. None of them fit, that's what it is.

He has a playlist to drive to school and he has one to lie in bed and he has ten others for their own specific purposes but he doesn't have one for _this._

Besides, how do you even begin to describe what happened to him? It's too bizarre, too specific for him to ever find even one song that encapsulates any of the feelings swirling inside him, so he doesn't even try. He doesn't want to.

Everything feels like too much effort, even leaving his bed, even eating sometimes, even staying hydrated.

He'd love to get drunk right now, forget everything that weighs him down, but his parents are home, already suspicious of the way he doesn't quite manage to hide the sadness that follows him wherever he goes nowadays.

He can't keep using a sad show as an excuse, but honestly he doesn't have enough energy to care about it at the moment. It's not like they'd care if he told them anyways.

He doesn't have the energy to care about anything or anyone but himself right now.

He knows that Evan's letter got published, of course he does, but he can't bring himself to look at it. He still remembers the way he'd freaked out about it, remembers how he himself didn't do anything to help, even if he probably could have. Not that Evan would have appreciated it anyways, all things considered. He didn't even value everything Jared did for him until he didn't do it anymore.

Sure, his only help consisted of doing something probably illegal, highly morally questionable, but at least he kept the website up and running. At least he tried to work with what he had the best he could.

At least only Evan knows of his involvement. Doesn't mean he won't throw him under the bus the second he will be able to, the opportunistic bastard he is. 

Even the thought of Evan is painful at times like these, even seeing him in the hallway makes tears well up. Tears he suppresses by taking deep breaths and gripping his backpack harder, tears he promises to cry when he's home, tears that get stuck when he is, never to be freed, never to free him.

It's overwhelming, feeling so much and all of it at once. It's almost physically painful in a way he struggles with putting in words, even with the barest terms. It's not that simple, easy words can't quite grasp the weight of it.

Shit, he didn't even know his body was _able_ to do that, to pull him through so many directions at once, bouncing from emotion to feeling to self-loathing. 

He doesn't talk about it, keeps it locked inside like the secret that it is. Not like there is anyone to talk about it _with,_ with Evan being gone and hopefully staying gone and all that, but still.

It just sucks, knowing you'll never be able to go back to the way things were, knowing the rift can't be fixed, can never be whole again.

Jared isn't stupid. He knows that the way things were wasn't ideal, it wasn't good, even through the lenses of nostalgia. 

Maybe it never was and he's too disillusioned to believe otherwise. Maybe things always sucked. 

Although the thing is…

Things sucked way less when Evan was around, he didn't even need to _do_ anything for them to have a good time. He could just stand there in his dumb polo and Jared would listen to him ramble on about trees or trucks or something else and he'd have a good time. 

Or they'd sit in front of the tv, playing against or with each other, having a blast, no matter if they lost or not.

Without Evan, everything sucks so much again.

It feels like he lost something important because now Evan is gone and as much as Jared is angry, feels used and betrayed, and _sad,_ as much as he never wants to see him again and even then it's too early, as much as he's angry and hurt - he still misses him.

Misses him with everything he's got and that's honestly the worst part, the worst part of experiencing emotions that has ever been invented.

How his heart skips when he sees him sit in class, hears his voice somewhere in the background of his life, even hears stories _about_ him.

It's pathetic, much like him. Who manages to lose the only friend they have? 

He stares at the ceiling as the announcer on the radio talks about a new album of some band he's never heard of.

He has to admit that the song is a banger, just from the start of it alone, but then the guy starts singing and oh. The lyrics do hit a bit close to home. 

He doesn't get up to change the station or shut off the radio though, just huddles a bit more under his blanket.

The song is talking about uncrossable rifts, about not being able to let go, about getting a thicker skin, even if the message is a hopeful one in the end. Two lines stick out to him, even as the music fades and the announcer starts talking about something else again. 

_I think that you're worth keeping around,_

_I think that you're worth holding onto._

Clearly he wasn't worth either of those things. He pulls the blanket over his head, successfully dampening the sound of the radio. Maybe the rift between them _is_ unfixable.

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe I'll end up editing this for real and putting that up as well or add something else with a happier ending, but no promises. Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
